The jokes below are not intended to offend - but if they do.......UNLUCKY!!!!
Why Football Grounds are like Women
There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of play
Pitches vary from the well grassed to the completely bald
Remember, it is possible to score at both ends
Tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground owner
Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground
Only some grounds offer five a side facilities
Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited
Extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings
If the ground does not seem to have undersoil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner
When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back
Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles
Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground
Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies
It is illegal to play on small, un-turfed pitches
From time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie
Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy
French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should
Very few grounds are found with executive boxes
Be wary of grounds with room for coaches
Always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two evenings a week
Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if u piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead
Players must agree personal terms with the club before being allowed to play on the turf
Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player
If teams were women
(apologies - some are a little dated)
Arsenal - Angelina Jolie
Looks good, a bit maverick at times and you know they have the potential to really screw you over
Aston Villa - Dido
One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really
Birmingham City - Mariah Carey
Occasionally interesting, frequently annoying. Supporters are thick
Blackburn Rovers - Melanie Sykes
Common as muck Lancy, constantly worrying.
Bolton Wanderers - Natalie Imbruglia
Always looks like she might go down but never does
Charlton Athletic - Martine McCutcheon
Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises
Chelsea - Rachel Stevens
Every bit looks good from all angles. But what is she doing with that prick
Everton - Barbara Windsor
Been laughing at those t*ts so long we forget that once upon a time they actually looked quite good
Fulham - Andrea Corr
Not bad to look at but not much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with fame
Leicester City - Patsy Palmer
Generally a bit crap and second rate really, but some people like her
Leeds United - Lisa Scott Lee
Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor
Individually all the components look fantastic - just doesn't work when put together.
Man City - Madonna
Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars. Nice new home though
Man United - Jordan
Dominated by t*ts. Screwed by Dwight Yorke. Quite repulsive really
Middlesborough - Tara Palmer Tompkinson
Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to speak of.
Newcastle United - Christina Aguillera
Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though.
Portsmouth - Chrissie Hynde
On the face of it a has-been but you're quite interested in what she's going to do next
Southampton - Kylie Minogue
Sometimes you feel sorry for them, they're not huge and you've got a bit of a soft spot.
Tottenham - Joan Collins
Used to look good, but living on past glories.
West Ham - Britney Spears
Been threatening to go down for the last few years, but finally did it.
Fast forward to 2006 - it is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next
World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know
it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be
Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by
myself,you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the
Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the
landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10 minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on".
They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1(Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus McSh*te 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against
Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They
find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in
his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down"
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN
(and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend.
(Who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)
This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her,
"Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!" she said.
"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."
"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."
"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"
"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says:
"Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"
THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak in whole sentences.
5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a)sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
20 REASONS WHY A QUICKIE BEATS MARATHON SEX
1. No repetitive-stress injuries.
2. Knocks out insomnia faster than two tabs of Tylenol PM and a Bud tallboy.
3. Two words: less sweat.
4. On deadline? No problem!
5. Saves on batteries.
6. No guilt associated with saying, "I think it's time for you to go home now."
7. Two more words: stress reduction.
8. Makes for an interesting elevator ride.
9. Won't ruin your lipstick.
10. Great way to kill time while stuck in traffic on the way to the beach (if you don't mind rubberneckers).
11. Sometimes you just don't want your toes sucked.
12. You don't have to worry about remembering your partner's name.
13. Performance anxiety? What's that?
14. It's something to do while talking to your parents on the phone.
15. Doesn't give you enough time to notice he or she smells bad.
16. You don't have to suffer the embarrassment of having an orgasm in front of someone you hardly know.
17. You can have your after-sex cig in the cab. That is, after having sex in the cab.
18. A line doesn't form outside the bathroom at the party.
19. Dinner doesn't get cold.
20. Pillow talk? What's that